Pity, party of one

So, I'm currently finishing a trilogy I started a while back, the Matched trilogy by Allie Condie. It's a distopian series (my favorite genre of late) and while the first book (Matched) was the best, this one (Reached) is keeping my attention somewhat. Tonight I ran across a passage that struck a chord with me:

"I draw in a ragged breath, the kind you take when the pain is too deep to cry, when you can't cry because all you are is pain, and if you let some of it out, you might cease to exist. I want to do something to make this better, even though nothing can change the fact my father is gone and underground."

Maybe it's because I'm 38 weeks pregnant and wanting so badly to just have the baby and feel human again but terrified of what comes next, that I've been missing my mommy terribly this week. I've missed her for the past 23 months (I can't even believe it's been so long) obviously, but right now I want nothing more than to talk to her again. Two years ago, she landed in the ER again in July and confessed she was done fighting cancer. Sometimes, I think I still haven't forgiven her for that decision.  Now, with my youngest sister on a mission and the next youngest getting married, I wish for them to have their mom around. Thankfully, there is a step-mother in the picture to do those motherly things for  them now.

Nights like tonight, when I'm sitting feeling alone on my bed while my husband takes his kids to the pool, on bike rides, and to the Riverton fair because my feet are too swollen to make walking around even remotely fun, I wish I could call my mom and cry and have her tell me I can get through this. Making dinner tonight did me in after a day of running around in 100 degree heat and keeping kids on track with summer requirements (clean rooms, made beds, piano practiced, reading practice, math worksheets). I actually put the food on the table, told everyone it was ready, and then I collapsed on my bed and fell asleep while they set the table and ate. I wish I felt like going on the adventures but it's literally all I can do right now to keep the house running all day and be patient when my feet constantly hurt, simple chores make my back hurt, and my stomach hurts from bruising from the baby squirming around so much (I have a one inch circle around my belly button that is purple and very bruise like). Contractions stopped Saturday and haven't returned and thus my hope of having a baby soon is crushed! So, here I sit, silent tears running down my face, in an empty house at 9:50pm...

Funny how even knowing there are people who will be back shortly, you can feel alone and ignored in your pity party!